Zwei mit einem Geheimnis
by The Hark-ness monster
Summary: "Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead." Secrets can be dangerous...what really pushed Albrecht over the edge?
1. Chapter 1

Zwei mit einem Geheimnis (Two with a Secret)

NaPolA: Before the Fall

A Friedrich/Albrecht fanfiction

Eins

Risiken übernommen

-Risks Taken-

I stumbled up the stairs of Albrecht's "house". It was really more like a palace. My head was dizzy with fatigue and alcohol and it was no less than a miracle that I had even gotten off the couch where I had passed out for two hours. I wasn't even sure if these were the right stairs (the house had about seven separate staircases) but I didn't really care. All I wanted was a bed, something soft to lay on and to sleep for God knows how long.

I tripped on the last step and stumbled with a loud thud. I was able to catch myself but just barely and I soon wished I hadn't, welcoming the coolness of the polished wood. Had I fallen, I probably would not have gotten up. But I kept on my feet and continued down the hall.

I turned the handle and opened the door to which I could only guess was the guest room. I wasn't sure, but my suspicions were confirmed when I saw the silhouette of Albrecht's small figure on the far bed. My senses instantly sharpened, clearing the haze in my mind. The last thing I needed was to make a fool of myself in front of Albrecht, especially after what had happened earlier that night.

I was truly disappointed in myself. Disappointed that I couldn't say no. That I didn't have the power to stand up for Albrecht against his own father. I had seen exactly what he had to deal with and now I knew that I had to be there for him. Even if he was angry with me I didn't care. I had to stay by his side or no one else would.

"You're still up?" I asked Albrecht who sat on the bed reading from a small journal by the light of moon. He did not respond or even acknowledge my presence. Shutting the door, I walked across the room. "It's like 1 a.m." Still silence. "Aren't you tired?"

"I was waiting for you," he said quietly but with a harshly bitter tone that stung me deep down.

"Why?"

"I wanted to make sure my father didn't kill you with praise and schnapps." He did not look up from his book. I could tell he was attempting to mask his anger. I don't know why he always insisted on bottling his emotions but it was extremely frustrating. But despite his tone, I smiled, seeing that he really did care about me more than he wished to admit. _God, he's just the sweetest thing…_

The moon glistened in his blue eyes when he glanced up for a brief instant. He quickly reverted his eyes to his book to avoid my gaze. I could tell he was hiding something. Hopefully it was the same thing I was.

"Albrecht," I said as I approached the bed. "You know I didn't want to hit you…"

He turned the page and continued to read. "Na klar."

"Then would you stop being mad at me?"

In frustration, he slammed the book closed and tossed it aside. "I'm not mad at you, Friedrich." He hung his head and said quietly as if he were embarrassed; "I could never be mad at you." He blushed gently in the darkness. I could barely tell, but it was there. "I'm mad at my father…and myself." He looked up at me as I came and sat down on the edge of his bed. "Why can't I be better in my father's eyes?" He questioned. "Why can't he see me like he sees you? He looks at you with such pride and admiration the likes of which he can't even give his own son. How does that even make sense? I just don't understand…" Tears began to form in his eyes which forced him to stop there.

"Hey." I saw his emotions slowly slipping so I moved to comfort him. I laid a gentle hand on the side of his face. Albrecht's breath caught. He looked up and our perfect Aryan-blue eyes met. Right then I caught just a flicker of the boy's soul. The things I saw there were shockingly dark. Sadness, anger, sorrow, but also fear. _What is he afraid of? _I thought. "Your father may think I'm perfect, but I'm telling you right now that I'm not. There are things about me I'm sure that if your father knew, he would not respect me half as much…" _such as the fact that I'm in love with his son…_ "I can't even begin to understand the way he treats you because to me, you're the perfect one, Albrecht." Suddenly I was no longer afraid to pour out my soul to this boy. This was my chance to tell him. I took it. I couldn't keep this from him anymore.

Albrecht's eyes shone in a way that was beautiful beyond description. It nearly killed me inside.

"Friedrich," he sighed through a smile. He blushed beneath my touch as my thumb gently stroked his cheek.

I leaned down over him and took him into my arms, holding him close around the waist. I felt Albrecht breath deeply. Gently, but not reluctantly, he draped his arms around me neck. The touch of his small, fragile hands on my back was soft and sweet. Longing, but cautious. I could hardly stand it. I didn't know why things had to be the way they were. Like why we had to be afraid of the emotions we had for each other. Why us? I wondered. Why couldn't two other future Nazi soldiers feel this forbidden way about each other…but then again, I wouldn't want it any other way. But this was all assuming that he felt the same way. Up until now I wasn't certain of his emotions towards me…but now I was sure. I knew. I could tell by the look in his eyes whenever we were together, by the way he touched me. And by the way he buried his face into my neck just then.

"You know I would never hurt you," I whispered, tightening my hold around him.

"I know." Albrecht squeezed me back and ran his soft fingers through my hair savoring its inviting feel and I savored his touch.

"Albrecht," I pulled away just enough to allow myself to look into the ice blue eyes of the boy I loved. "Do you think that what we have is more than friendship?" Perhaps it was the alcohol that had made me so bold as to ask him that straightforward, but if that was the case, thank God for booze.

He was shocked, simply staring back at me, unsure of what to say. I tried to seem confident but the silence was killing me. I could see in his eyes he was searching for words to say, but then I think he realized he didn't have to _say_ anything. He pulled me down and covered my lips with his. I kissed him, just like I had always wanted and I think this was what he had always wanted too.

We pulled away for just a second to make sure that this was real, and when our lips met again, it was more intense than before, filled with emotions that had been suppressed for far too long.

I moved to position myself directly on top of him and leaned down, kissing him full on the lips and trapping him between me and the sheets. However, he didn't seem to mind. His hands grabbed desperately at my shirt, pulling me down closer and making me want him more.

As my hands moved from his neck down to his chest, my desperate fingers swiftly undid the buttons of his shirt and caressed the soft skin beneath. At the same time, my tongue found its way past his lips and explored his perfect white teeth. He pushed back against me even harder.

I allowed him just enough space for him to sit up and slip off the silky material of his night shirt, but our lips barely lost contact for more than a second. I pushed against his bare chest, ordering him back down. He complied.

Each touch, each kiss was filled with suppressed feelings, emotions and lust. There was no holding back anymore.

The skin on his neck was warm and inviting beneath my lips and nose. I loved to be this close to him, to listen and _feel _his breathing. His heartbeat was like a sweet, sad song that I never wanted to end. That was the moment I realized I never wanted to be away from him ever again. He let out a long, ragged sigh.

All those nights I had laid awake just watching him sleep so far way in the bed beside mine. Not tonight. All those times I had to pretend I liked girls and bite my lip to avoid saying something stupid. Not anymore. Having a massive crush on your best friend in an all-boys school where it was forbidden to have such feelings for another boy was torture. But now I knew that Albrecht understood that and I was no longer alone. He wrapped his arms around me and held me closer.

He gasped, but I, intent on kissing his chest, barely noticed.

"Friedrich," he whimpered.

I stopped. I heard in his tone that something was wrong. "What?" I looked at him with great concern. The tears in his eyes worried me. "What is it?" I brushed the side of his face softly as if to wipe away tears that were not yet there. He grabbed my hand and held it, as if for dear life.

"I'm scared."

"Why?" I shook my head, not understanding his sudden change of mood. Or perhaps it was not so sudden. He always did seem to be looking over his shoulder. Distant...like he was afraid of something he couldn't quite put his finger on. "What's wrong?"

He shifted and sat up. He looked down for a few moments before meeting my gaze.

"Friedrich, they kill people like us."

I practically flinched at his words. I knew perfectly well that we could be shipped out on the next train to a concentration camp if anyone found out. Or more likely killed on the spot. I didn't care. I was falling in love with Albrecht and I didn't bother stopping myself. I knew that this was undeniable, so if we could potentially die for this I wanted to make it count. "No one has to know." I said finally, laying a hand on his leg trying to get him to relax.

I leaned over and kissed the side of his neck to reassure him that everything was ok. It seemed to convince him pretty well because he resumed kissing me and soon removed my shirt. I silently gasped at his feather-light touch.

Laying him back down on the sheets, I held his shoulders and kissed him gently, but then he spoke again.

"Friedrich, promise me." His hands were clasped around my neck. I pulled away to look at him.

"Promise you what?" I asked.

"Anything." His lip quivered. His expression...oh how it broke my heart. Then I knew that I could not fix the damage that had been done to him. But at least I could try to understand and ease some of the hurt. He was scared. He needed something solid, something sure. Something he could count on…me.

I took his face between my hands and our eyes locked. "Albrecht, I promise you, I will always love you and I will _never_ let anyone hurt you." And it was the truth. I wanted nothing more than to always be with him, to love and protect him. He was just so fragile and delicate. I couldn't trust him with anyone else.

And from then on there were no interruptions, just love. My breath quickened as his hands slid down my chest and lingered at the waist of my pants, a silent request that I didn't hesitate to answer. Our pants joined our shirts on the floor. All the while we whispered "I love you"s and covered each other with kisses.


	2. Chapter 2

Zwei mit einem Geheimnis

Zwei

Zurück zu Realität

-Back to Reality-

My arm was draped lazily over his shoulder and my fingers stroked his chest. My eyes had fallen closed with fatigue and contentment. His warm skin pressed against mine and I savored the sweet sensation. Our rib cages rose and fell together with gentle breath. His head rested on my upper arm and lay gazing at something, or nothing, across the room.

Sleep had almost taken me but he was wide awake. Though I could not see his face, I could tell. Just as I was about to slip under sleep's inviting veil, he took my hand and held it there against his thin body.

I opened my eyes slightly, leaned down and kissed the top of his head. His body shifted against mine as he snuggled closer.

"Friedrich, I love you," he said. Then he paused.

Squeezing his hand, I took the moment to say; "I love you too, Süße."

Then he finished. "But we can't stay like this."

Now I was wide awake. The sting of his words cut deep into my heart. I didn't respond, childishly thinking that if I ignored his comment it would be like he had never said it at all. I tried once again to fall asleep.

He turned over beside me, freeing himself from my grasp, and propped himself up on one arm to look at me. His piercing blue eyes scanned my face up and down. I looked back at him through half-lidded eyes.

"Schatz, Please don't be mad at me." A fragile hand traced its way up my chest and stopped at my shoulder. _God, why is it that only I seem to be able to see this boy's sweet perfection? _

"I'm not mad at you." Sighing, I turned away from him, looking out the window to avoid his gaze. "I'm just upset because I know you're right." Turning back to him, I could see on his face how much the truth hurt him too.

"I know." He took my hand and kissed it gently with tears in his eyes. "I wish it wasn't true but these are the way things are and we can't change them."

Despite what I had said, I was a little bit angry with him. Why did he insist on interrupting our perfect moment with a blunt statement of the truth that we both know? Why could he not just accept the present for what it is and enjoy it? The night was now bitter-sweet with the invasion of cruel reality.

I rolled over on my side, facing the window, away from him. With some reluctance, he lay back down and curled up against my back. Wrapping one arm around my waist, he held me close and kissed me gently between the shoulder blades. His warm breath tickled my skin as he breathed; "I love you."

Several minutes later I was, once again, almost asleep. I did not stir when the boy beside me shifted, though it did kind of disturbed me when he got out of bed. My eyebrows drew together but I did not turn to face him, I was beyond too tired.

He laid the thin sheet over me and, leaning down, kissed the side of my face. He whispered in my ear, "Ich werde dich immer lieben." I didn't like how it sounded as if he were saying goodbye. I heard him crawl under the covers of the other bed across the room and my heart stung as if I had somehow been betrayed. I could not blame him though, for I knew his fear. The fear that someone would find us together. So I pulled the covers up around my shoulders to fight off some of the cold that had replaces his warmth the moment he left.

* * *

><p>I rubbed my eyes before exposing them to the morning sun. Squinting, I propped myself up on one arm and looked about the room. Albrecht was awake and looking directly at me. I wondered how long he had been doing that. When his eyes met mine, an irresistible smile broke across his face and instantly brightened the room.<p>

I sat up fully, folded my arms across my knees and watched him back. For a moment we just smiled at each other but then I couldn't help but laugh. Albrecht didn't smile much, but when he did, it was the sweetest, most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

Reluctantly, we got out of bed and got ready for the day. And our long drive back to Napola. After the events of last night, we had a whole new fear of the academy. We felt that the second we set foot in that place, we were caught. Doomed, as if the walls knew our secrets.

"You can use the bathroom down the hall," he said. "I'll use mine." And so we went to our respective places where I engaged in an exceptionally long shower, a subconscious attempt at putting off our return to the academy. I knew it wouldn't work and no matter how hard I tried, we would have to go back. The end was inevitable. I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower.

To my surprise, I was first to return to the guest room. And I had thought it was near impossible to stall any longer than I had…perhaps his fears were greater than mine. Instantly, I regretted ever leaving his side. I felt that I had betrayed him for not being there for him _always._ I felt _guilty. _For taking a goddamn shower. Love was a strange thing.

By the time he got back, I was already dressed and running a comb through my hair. He entered the room wearing the pants of our Napola uniform and without a shirt with a white towel draped around his neck. I smiled at him but he did not look at me.

"How did you sleep last night?" I asked.

"Cold and alone," he answered grimly but he gave me a sideways glance and I caught a hint of a smile. I found no humor in the statement.

"Hey, you're the one that left," I spat back, more viciously than I had intended.

He finished drying his hair and shrugged on the white button shirt that went under our uniform jackets in a rather frustrated manor. It didn't take much to set him off.

"Friedrich, I had to! Don't you understand what would have happened if my father had found us together? He probably would have killed us both right there without even thinking twice."

"Damn it, Albrecht!" I yelled, probably louder than I should have but I couldn't take it anymore. "Why can't you and I just be happy when we're together!"

"Because they won't let us!" he screamed even louder than I had. It surprised me. I instantly cursed myself. Look what you have done. You've brought the tears back to his eyes. He turned away from me. I was ashamed.

I walked up to him and turned his face towards mine. "Hey, schatz." He once again looked ready to cry. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you." I buttoned the last few buttons on his shirt for him and straightened his collar. He looked up at me with sad but admiring eyes. Then he kissed me. He sure was having his fair share of mood swings recently, but I couldn't complain about this one. We pulled away and smiled.

"How could I stay mad at a face like that?" I laughed. My forehead rested against his and we stared sweetly into each other's eyes.

"Friedrich," he breathed.

"Hmm."

"Despite the circumstances, I don't regret last night."

"Me neither." I pulled him closer. "I love you."

"Mhmm." He smiled and nodded, blushing before I pulled him into a deep kiss. I made sure he knew that I loved him. Our lips parted but I still held him close.

"I'll see you downstairs, schatz."

"Tja," he said, smiling, before I released him.

I turned and left him, closing the door behind me.

Halfway down the stairs, I stopped. My heart sank. I realized that that could have been the last kiss we ever share. Looking back at the room, I considered going back…but I didn't. I don't know why I didn't, but I turned away and continued down the steps.

* * *

><p>I waited with the car that was to take us back to Napola. I waited for Albrecht. It wasn't long before he appeared at the door and stormed down the steps. His lips turned down, fixed in an upset frown. I didn't ask him what was wrong, mostly because I could pretty much guess.<p>

When we got in the car and closed the doors, he ordered the driver to go. He watched out the window as we drove away. I saw his mother come to the door and watch the car leave but she did not wave, and seconds later she turned on her heels and went back inside. Then Albrecht turned away from the window and slumped in the seat with a pout.

I glanced at the driver. He was focused on the road.

My hand broke the space between us as I extended it and took his. Glancing up at me for only a second, the boy cast me a glimpse of despair, of heartbreak, but also of thankfulness for my comforting action. I gave him a look meant to say; hey, I'll always be there for you. I don't know if he got the message but his thumb began gently stroking the back of my hand.

A long while later, we crossed the border into Poland and the great black castle rose out of the mountains, waiting, like a dragon, to devour us whole.


	3. Chapter 3

Zwei mit einem Geheimnis

Drei

Wie Wir Waren, Wie Wir Sind

-How We Were, How We Are-

The castle was a dragon. Big, evil, dark and sinister. It lured little boys inside with its fancy gates and false promises of honor and heroism. It knew it told lies but it only laughed at the children's naivety. Once it had them, the boys would realize that the dragon had tricked them, but it was too late. The dragon had already swallowed their souls.

It had been two weeks since our return, two weeks of painful, longing glances between me and Albrecht, two weeks of separation. And separation was torture, cold, like the snow as it began to fall in the mountains. We were, however, able to find some time alone in the often empty newspaper room. And every now and then we would slip notes into the each other's pillow and watch each other read them at night when we were sure no one else would see us.

Tonight I stared up at the prison-white ceiling of our barracks, unable to stop thinking about the boy in the bed next to mine. And things were the same as they were before. Nothing had changed. But how could I have ever expected things to change? We were never going to get out of here and we were never going to be together. For the rest of our lives, we would be a part of the greater Nazi Germany, and good German boys did not have affairs with other German boys.

I turned onto my side and just looked at him. My perfect German boy. My Albrecht. Almost at the same time, he, in his sleep, rolled onto his opposite side so he was facing me. But he was fast asleep, his piercingly beautiful eyes were closed and his chest rose and fell slowly beneath the covers. It was painful to watch him.

I sat up in my bunk. Fortunately, I was able to do this without making too much noise. Getting _out_ of the bunk, however, was a different story. I threw the covers aside and jumped down onto the freezing cold floor, flinching, not at the ice on my bare feet, but at the unreasonably loud squeak that came from my bed. No one stirred.

I stepped up to Albrecht's bunk and folded my arms across the metal edge and rested my chin there, watching him closely breath in and out, taking in every peaceful, quiet, sleeping feature.

"Albrecht," I whispered. He shifted. I knew he had heard me. I repeated his name and this time lifted a hand to his head and ran my fingers through his hair. His eyes fluttered open, flashing blue lightning. He squinted at first and then he recognized me.

To my surprise, he was not startled. He looked both content and pleased to see me. He tried to hide a smile and waited for me to speak.

"I miss you," I breathed as quietly as I could, but it was hard with all the emotion caught in my voice.

He moved closer to me and propped himself up on one arm. Leaning down, his forehead met mine and a hand curved around the back of my neck, settling into a similar position of mine on his. I closed my eyes to his pained expression and soft touch.

"You don't even know how much I miss you. But you _do_ know that we can't do this." He said, breaking my heart. But I could barely believe that he missed me. His face was calm and nearly emotionless. "Go back to bed, Friedrich."  
><em><br>No!_ I wanted to say. I wanted to scream at him and tell him to stop keeping his emotion inside and sometimes tell me how he really feels. But I didn't. "I don't want to," I said defiantly.

"Stop. Don't do this," he said to me. "You're only making it harder."

Once again, he was right. He was always right, and I hated it, but there was nothing i could do. There was nothing we could do.

I sighed, looked at the ground and then back at him. He gave me an apologetic look. "Alright," I said, giving in.

Before I turned and went back to my bunk he said, "Come here."

I approached the bed and, leaning in close, we kissed once. It was short and little more than nothing but it didn't matter to us. At least it was _something._

I turned back to my bed, climbed up and laid down. For a while we watched each other lay there in perfect silence, but soon his eyes fell closed and he slept. Then I was alone in the quiet tension that always filled the room. I did not fall asleep until a long while later.

* * *

><p>His fingers tapped the keys of the typewriter, each one marking the page with an inky letter, forming words. Click, click, clack.<p>

We sat alone in the newspaper room. While he typed, I watched, occasionally glancing out the window at the bright, afternoon sky.

He looked up at me for a second then his eyes darted from the typewriter to the door to me and then back to the typewriter in a series of quick glances.

He stopped typing and his hands fell to his lap. "I don't even want to write right now."

"Why?" I asked curiously. "You always want to write."

He stood up, looked at the door and walked over to me in the chair on the other side of the desk.

"Well right now I'd rather do this." Leaning down he laid his lips across mine in a kiss. The kiss was not gentle or cautious; instead his lips were desperate and hungry from neglect. I did my best to satisfy them but he pulled away sooner than I had anticipated, bringing the kiss to an abrupt end.

He walked past me, towards the window, bringing his arm from the side of my face across my chest, begging me to follow him. I did.

From behind him I wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling him close against me and from over his shoulder I kissed the side of his neck.

"I missed this, Albrecht," I whispered against his skin, nudging the side of his face with my nose. His hand found its way to the back of my head and held it there on his shoulder as he leaned into my embrace.

There was a content moment of silence between us both before he spoke. His tone worried me.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure. What is it, schatz?"

"Do you trust me?"

I paused. It was a strange question.

"Of course. Why would you ask that?" I squeezed him lovingly around the waist. I could tell something was bothering him. But it was almost like something was _always_ bothering him.

"I can't tell you," was his response.

"What do you mean? Of course you can. You trust _me_ don't you?" He just continued to stare out the window. "Albrecht, hey, what's wrong?"

"It's fine. You shouldn't worry about it." He tried to dismiss the subject but I could tell this was something much more than he would like to admit so i pushed the issue.

"Well when you start acting like this of course I start to worry! What is it?"

"I'm sorry." He looked down at the floor. "I never should've brought it up." My arms fell to his sides and I tried to get him to turn around. _Damn it. Why is he always so frustrating? _

"You're not even going to tell me what the hell it is you brought up?"

"I can't."

"Albrecht-"

He finally turned around and he cut me off before I could speak.

"Friedrich, stop. Please just hold me and don't ask any more questions."

His tone shocked me. Shook me deep down. All his intricacies, his complexity and wild emotions, I knew I would never understand.

"Alright, Schatz." I took him into my arms and whispered. "Alright."


	4. Chapter 4

Zwei mit einem Geheimnis

Vier

Todesursache

-Cause of Death-

_Where's Albrecht? Why isn't he here for me? I was always there for him…oh that's right. He's gone. _

I lay in solitude, cold and alone. The other boys had left me, their faces full of regret and pity, but how could they know what this feels like? How could they ever know? But I knew and accepted with some reluctance that this was how it would be for the rest of my life.

For the moment I was numb, totally and completely, body and mind. I still felt the ice in my veins. I still saw his face as he melted away like snow against my skin.

How appropriate that my love would be taken away from me by ice. It was cold and biting, just like death, but after a while you didn't feel it anymore as your brain shut down to the pain. No matter how hard I tried, replaying those last moments in my head, I could not change the way things end. The ice would always be there to separate me, in life, from him, in death.

Once again I would fall to my knees on the hard, unforgiving ice of the frozen lake. I would feel the same dreadful panic over and over again as I brushed away the snow with my shaking hands. I would see him through the frozen layer but he was just a shadow. He would lift a hand slowly to the bottom of the ice, pressing against it gently and weakly as I would stare in horror. _No, please,_ my face would seem to say as I saw myself from the outside. But he would just shake his head with a sorry, sad look. And for some reason, with that, the world would seem to stop. I would analyze his expression, scrutinize his face every time but I would always come to the same conclusion; he was telling me to let him go. Seconds before, I would have refused. I would have found a way. I could have saved him. But I didn't. I knew he didn't want me to, so I would have to simply sit back and watch him fall…I don't know why he had to have that effect on me. I cursed it. I would have saved him, but I could never make myself do it. He would slip away from the ice and from me, sinking deeper into the darkness each time.

Reality snapped back with brutal force, so great that I almost heard it. It slammed into my chest and stuck there. I began to regain sensation in my limbs and emotions, though they were still clouded by the confusion of death. I quickly learned that the numbness was greatly preferable to the other option. At least then I could not feel my heart screaming beneath the weight of a great intangible force.

Then, my emotions returned with full force as if they had been a grenade. Bottled up, but when something set them off…

I ignored the fact that I had not yet regained full feeling in my legs as I jumped down from my bunk in a wild burst of energy. The warm blood rushing beneath my cold skin burned. I threw back the blankets of his bed looking for something, anything, but when they turned up nothing, I rushed over to his locker.

There must be something left of him. He must have left something. There's got to be something I can hold on to…

I didn't even know what I was looking for but I must have been pretty desperate. I destroyed the militaristic order of the room, throwing aside his books, clothes and other such things as I ripped them off the shelves, tears streaming down my face the whole time, conjured by the strange, indescribable pain. It was some weird combination of anger, sadness, sorrow and self-pity. I looked around me once there was nothing else to throw and, strangely pleased with the mess I had caused, broke down completely. My knees collapsed and I fell to the floor, weeping so hard I nearly convulsed.

Simply laying there in my fatigue allowed me to calm down slightly, but there was something else that eased the pain; a memory of him returned like a glimpse of golden light in the darkness of hell.

I was once again back in the newspaper room with him by my side. I breathed a sigh of relief as if waking from a nightmare.

He sat perched on the window ledge looking down at the floor in concentration and biting the nail of his thumb, a habit he had whenever he listened to me read. He always had me read the things he wrote aloud so he could be sure they sounded ok. In my hand was a single sheet of paper of something he had written.

Finishing the last sentence brought a pleased smile across his face and he glanced up at me. He blushed and giggled when he saw the wondrous gaze I gave him.

"Do you like it," he asked innocently even though he knew the answer. He always knew the answer.

I continued to smile at him as I placed the paper on the desk behind me.

"It's wonderful, schatz."

"Thanks," he said through a grin.

I walked over and leaned against the windowsill next to him. I put my arm around his shoulder affectionately and pulled him close, kissing the top of his head.

"You should know, Albrecht," I said, almost whispering. "You're absolutely amazing."

He gave me a weak grin that quickly faded from his face and then said, "Well, you're the only one that thinks so."

I just smiled down at him and held him closer, wrapping both arms fully around him. He leaned in, laying his head against my chest. I rested my chin on his head gently and said, "But I don't think so. I know so."

He turned to look at me with beauty and admiration in his eyes. I tried to win our little staring game by giving him a look with more affection but I couldn't. I simply couldn't match his emotion. The corners of his lips flashed upwards for several seconds. That was the last time I saw him smile…but it was little more than a helplessly weak spark that was not enough to have kept a fire going when we went out onto the frozen lake.

The dream ended and all too soon. I was back in my world without him, but at least now I was calm. I just wanted to sleep…maybe in my dreams I would see him and I could hold him and kiss him and tell him I love him again. That was enough to get me off the floor. I hauled myself up on weak limbs that shook when they had to support my weight but I trudged back to my bunk and managed to pull myself up. I collapsed against the pillow and my eyes fell instantly closed, but I did not sleep. I pulled the thick blankets close around my shoulders and, to keep them warm, my hands slid underneath my pillow. There I felt something that I did not recognize. My senses instantly sharpened with curiosity and I sat up, picked up my pillow and reached inside. My fingers clasped around an envelope. I pulled it out and turned it over to look at the front. On it was written my name, Friedrich, in beautiful handwriting. It was fancier than his usual script but it was undeniably his.

I simply stared down at it for a few moments. I wanted to open it but to be honest I was afraid. This was the last things I had of him, once I opened it, I had nothing left. But, unable to withstand the curiosity any longer, I broke the seal and pulled out two neatly folded pieces of paper.

At the top of the page it was addressed; "_My dearest,_

_I am sorry that this had to be goodbye, but my fate was unavoidable. I was a worthless boy living in fear for far too long."_

_No you're not!_ I wanted to scream at him, but I knew his ears would not hear me.

I read the rest of the letter but just barely through my tears.

On the second page was much less writing but that did not make it any less powerful. I don't know how he did it. He was always such a beautiful writer.

The last lines were; "_Just because I left you, doesn't mean I didn't love you. I hope you understand... _

_Forever yours, Albrecht."_

He signed his name in near calligraphy. It was almost as beautiful as the words in the letter…or the name itself…almost.

Below it was written; "_p.s. don't tell anyone,_ _but do not forget." _Then, a quote dead center at the bottom of the page; _"Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead."_

I broke down completely. This was why he did it. This was how he really felt. Finally. He killed himself because of something _I _did. Sure, there may have been other factors, but because of me he had to live in fear. How could I have done that to him for so long and never seen this coming. I can't believe he _let me_ do that to him. He must have loved me enough to think we were worth dying for…

I'm so sorry, Albrecht…

Burying my face in my pillow and clinging to the letter for dear life, I wished my tears could have been minutes with him. Maybe then we could have had a lifetime together. He


End file.
